projecting with no screen
I'm not sure what the title means, so draw your own conclusion. God knows my mind spins out on the smallest things and projects them into wide screen epics. But probably what provides the most agony is attachment. I'm not sure how to balance the "reality" of living in a world with relationships and the "ideal" of no attachment. Since life is an experiment, I guess I have a new chance every day to explore that.
I have to say it would be easier if some things in my life had been different...growing up with some sense of "family" (whatever that is), the early years raising my son, etc. But for better or for worse, all those things have shaped me into who I am now. The irony of course is that I'm feverishly working to undo much of it. And who knows where/how that will end up. But for now I have to be honest with what I'm able to do, and what I *fell* my trajectories are wrt certain tangible things in life. It is so sad though that the honesty about these feelings brings such pain. A ton of love, but it hurts. Hmm...I suppose that is just the yin/yang of things.
But a dear one said to me, "no feeling is final." When things are going well, that phrase is terrifying. When things are rough, it is comforting. In reality though, I think that is the root of hope. Because there is no finality. No feeling is final. No decision is final. No situation is final. And with that, hope can spring eternal.
When all is said and done, I don't know that I would have done anything different. I did what I could in each moment, and learned along the way. The path is made by walking. And while sometimes we walk alone, in reality we carry the love of others who are dear. It is beautiful. It is wonderous. It is a gift that I treasure with every breath. There is a slice of joy that bleeds through it all. And I can ride that to soaring heights if I let myself take the risk.