I did the loop tonight in my 911. There are a couple of variations, but basically it is out the 10 west until it turns into Pacific Coast Highway. Then north to Sunset. At that point it is either east on Sunset (west would put you into the ocean) or double back on PCH. There was a time when I did the loop almost every night. Back for about a year or so before I moved out, sometime between about 11pm and midnight the loop would call.
At that point in my life, I wasn't doing particularly well. The loop was my escape. Everyone was asleep and I could slip out and be somewhere else. Anywhere else. In my car. Near the sea. A brief wisp of freedom. Open the sunroof. Crank the heater if it was chilly. Listen to the whine of the flat 6 behind me.
But it was always bitter sweet. Why? Because it was a loop. Yet another loop I was stuck in. The outlap was always nice. The return not so much. I could run but I couldn't hide. Mostly because I had lost myself, and didn't really know how to stand.
But fast-forward a couple of years. And what seems like a lifetime of experiences. Things I never expected, never anticipated, never really thought I deserved, rushing over me like so many waves have done in the past. Washing me clean, and stripping off the accumulated crud of so many years. Reaching places I scarcely knew existed. And now not just getting by, but crawling, then walking, and looking to soar.
The loop was different tonight. I wasn't getting away from anything. I wasn't running to something. I wasn't hiding. I was just being. And if anything, celebrating. What I have. What I never can lose. What has been shared with me, and what has forever changed me. The outlap was fine. The return lap even better. I wasn't running away from home. I wasn't coming back home. I was home. Every second of it. I still don't understand it all. And I don't know how its going to end up. I have to be mindful and not slip back into the old ways, or let fear make me force it. What should come will come. And if I force it, that will screw it up. Just breathe and trust the universe. It has given me so many gifts the last year or two, and taught me so much. I have to trust that when the time is right, the next piece will fall into place. And if things are meant to come full circle...if the loop is right, it will happen. In due time. And if not, then something else will happen. And that's ok. Because I'll never lose the gift, no matter how things play out. That is one thing I'm certain of.