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December 2006 Archives

December 1, 2006

hrmm

Never let it be said that I never let it be said. Something about being alone. Maybe something more than something. The fuseleage cut and back with Maestro X and Mr. Depression. Hrmm. That isn't good. But do I really need a shotgun? And will I end up in the stuffed chair? Guess I'll have to think about it...

December 2, 2006

could I get a nicer note?

And the answer is, "no, I could not get a nicer note." It was fabulous...

easy being green

or not

green.jpg

December 3, 2006

red dot

Sometimes you can have some odd goals in life. Turns out that one of mine has been to get a red dot. I didn't know that was the outward sign of the journey, but ain't surprises grand?


Continue reading "red dot" »

December 4, 2006

but i really want to direct...

Even though I'm not an actor, I suppose I've wanted to direct. Or at least create. And it seems that the gods have decided that now is the time. We have a project to create a 5-10 minute piece and our director (with the subcontractor company) quit. Since I have a good working relationship with the writer (who is serving as production manager), and I've done these types of pieces before (as producer), and I was going to do the interviews anyway, it looks like I get the call. So Thursday we fly up to scout the location and talk with the production crew (shoot is in NorCal). Then for three days next week I'm the guy who calls the shots. Literally. So there ya go...

December 5, 2006

not so fast

Well, spoke too soon. Looks like one of the production crew will serve as the official director, but I'll still be the vision guy on set, or at least one of them. I'm still on the hook for interviewing, and we'll have to figure out a lot of stuff on the fly...which is what I do best. So I guess I'm AD and producer. That'll work...

December 6, 2006

why again

It is interesting to watch things fly by your mind when you've gotten to a point where you actually occupy the observer seat. At least on occasion. And sometimes I have to laugh at us, because god knows I've cried enough. But the interesting part comes in asking why again. Now why are we doing this? Of course I have an answer for it, and it is valid (whatever *that* means), but that doesn't prevent the question from being asked again. And again. And each time the answer changes a little and becomes a little smaller impediment. Now isn't that curious?

think about it

Ever sing to your voicemail? Well, you can't write while driving your track car to Willow...

in a fit of circumspection
i lost my reflection
think about it
yeah, i'll think about it

walked away and came out
stronger than before
ended up in the same place
but with a different face

hope you like the new we
and wonder what you'll
think about it
and what i'll
think about it

end of the innocence

Remember when the days were long
And rolled beneath a deep blue sky
Didnt have a care in the world
With mommy and daddy standing by
When happily ever after fails
And we've been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers dwell on small details
Since daddy had to fly

Continue reading "end of the innocence" »

carry me

Maybe they come by land
Maybe they come by sea
Maybe they've already come
Maybe they come by me

Continue reading "carry me" »

December 7, 2006

up at 5

Another surgical strike, this time for a location scout at Sandia lab up in Livermore. You need an act of congress to get in the place, and no cell phones with cameras, no cameras, no computers. Our crew has to give the serial numbers of all their cameras before they come to the shoot, and the van has to be searched. Fun! At least no cavity search...yet.

December 8, 2006

wiiiiiiii

Houston, wii have a problem

tata

things as they are - tata

Doing Shambhala training this weekend and tata was one of the concept introduced tonight. About being in the moment and seeing things as they are. A kissing cousin to "it is what it is", a perennial favorite of mine. More will be revealed (ohhh, another one!).

December 9, 2006

sitting is hard

The continuation of Level 1 Warrior training at Shambhala today. On the cushion at 9am sharp for a day of...well....mostly....sitting. If you've never sat (meditated) for 4 hours plus or minus, then you have no idea how brutal it can be. Especially with a bum knee. But the body wasn't the worst part...it is the damn devil mind that just won't stop racing. You're supposed to focus on the out breath. And I can do that for about 3 breaths...then my mind is off somewhere else. Without fail. Back to the breath for another 3, then off to the races again. Egad. I'm exhausted. But I finished. Stuck it out. So there ya go...

The two take-home lessons:

1. everything is workable
2. every time is a fresh start

December 10, 2006

meeting the man

Sometimes life take you funny places. Or at least places you don't expect. Or belong. But actually, on second though, maybe I actually *do* belong. "Family" is what I was called. Well there ya go...thanks J. And tonight I got to briefly talk with one of my all time favorites, Nigel. I told him my theory about sleigh bells and death. He looked somewhat disturbed. I think I might have ruined xmas for him...especially since the next song played was Alvin and the Chimpmunks singing about xmas cheer accompanied by...yes...sleigh bells. Soon thereafter he excused himself to go upstairs. Sorry, man. Although if that bit shows up in a script next year I want points :-p

glass lip

IMG_08522.jpg

hurt

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything

Continue reading "hurt" »

December 11, 2006

grounded v. groundless

Can one be grounded, yet groundless? I suppose I'll find out. Well, that's assuming I can find the ground. At least I walked away from it today, but the rub was that I couldn't tell the difference between north and south. I was walking uphill which is north, but I swore I was heading south. Interesting. And of course the green monster is always waiting to take another swing. It's kinda like squeezing a balloon...tighten one area, it bulges out in another. Until it pops. But that's the old thinking. Not going to pop. Just be like water and flow around it all. Sit with it and feel the ripples in the pool. And though they might seem like a tsunami, the reality is that even that can be weathered. Everything is workable. But you have to dive in. No bellyflops, and no perfect 10 forward two-and-a-half in the pike position. Just get in the water and let it do it's work...

moving again

*sigh*

I signed up for westside rentals again to start in the search for a new place. I can't live in a dump with crappy plumbing any more. I've had enough. Lease is up at the beginning of February. So the search begins. I hate this crap. Like I don't have enough stuff going on in my life right now. At least is won't cost much...

*sigh*

December 12, 2006

quiet on the set

Well, day one of a two day location shoot at lovely Sandia labs in Livermore. We are documenting a training simulation exercise, trying to "tell the story" of why simulation is good for training, and the vision of what the system could be. The original director pulled out at the last minute so I was thrust into the role, then unthrust, then thrust back today. Trick is that there are a number of smart, experienced, and opinionated people on set as "producers". So lots of cooks wanting to season the broth. And all with slightly different vision as to what this thing will look like and what we need.

Continue reading "quiet on the set" »

December 13, 2006

and now the fun

Day 2 of the location shoot came to a close. Some of the same issues as yesterday but that's fine. In the end, we got most of what we needed. The surprise of the day was when we did some voice over takes for wild lines. One of the computer scientists turned out to be quite good. Stunning dramatic reads done cold. Who knew? We wrapped on time and managed to make a 6pm flight instead of the scheduled 10pm one. The only minor hiccup was me leaving my cell phone in the rental car. Luckily I realized it before the shuttle bus left, was able to run back and get it, then make the next shuttle bus.

So now the real fun begins...reviewing footage (I've got 2 dvds of 4-up shots) and doing a paper cut before meeting with the editor next week. No rest for the eyes...

Continue reading "and now the fun" »

December 14, 2006

banking dark

here comes the flood
you're banking dark
such a stark
reminder of the days we left behind

night.jpg

December 15, 2006

post watts muse

dreaming dreams that seem to make
sense but then when she says to think
about it something kicks the gut and
sends me reeling, steeling a glance
hoping that she was kidding but
she wasn't

banking dark
bringing stark
reminders
of days and times left standing
in the rain soaked memory or is it
tears that kill the pain

after so many years of filling up
you have to dig out and empty
a life full of hardened edges made
blunt by constant teacher pounding
passed for love now you know that
she wasn't

banking dark
makers mark
remembers
feelings pushed back into boxes
flipping clocks and purple toxic
tears that leave a stain

step into the void step lightly
even though the hardest joy
is found in walking apart because
if you don't you'll never know if
you really felt and if you can't
she wasn't

banking dark
tiring park
reinjures
a weakened joint missed the point
and sailed past a chance for
tears that break the chain

December 16, 2006

spark

banking dark
brings a spark
take a picture and leave your future
loving summer what will you do
feel like a person you can find
it's a long way to your mind

banking dark
praying spark
somebody inside never been done
wonderful tonight leaves a trace
breathing hard in the space
between the notes my love

banking dark
filling spark
one slip walks away from me

December 17, 2006

bring on the second act

The first act of today was brilliant. Just plain wonderful. Now time to shift gears for the second act. Bring it. The question is, what will the third act be? If only I knew a writer...oh wait.

god speed

A friend passed today. Well, I only met him once but he was dear to someone that is very dear to me, so that qualifies as a friend. I met him towards the end of his run, and even so he was welcoming, warm, and made sure to tell me that "she is special." You are right Will, she is so very special. As are you. Until we meet again. God speed.

December 18, 2006

merry f*cking xmas

Well, here's a good one. I last talked to my dad about 3 weeks ago. Typical conversation...usual stuff. I've been crazy busy and he didn't call so yesterday I tried to call and got a "the number is no longer working." message. Hmm...that's odd. He has phone over cable so I figured maybe it was a technical glitch. Tried again a couple times today and got the same message. Finally this evening I called a neighbor to see if she could check on him (he's 81, has a 61 year old wife he married a couple years ago after my mom died). She said, "oh they sold the house and moved a couple weeks ago."

Continue reading "merry f*cking xmas" »

into the void

Quite a few chapter in this book. It isn't over yet, and the page turns to find a new chapter. But now, untethered and into the void. The bell cannot be un-rung. And some trails only lead forward. In this case, a bridge of rope over a deep chasm. Fog obscures the bottom and the other side. All I see are the knots a few feet in front of me for reference and grip. No choice but just to traverse. Did I mention I'm afraid of heights?

I've got to believe it so I can see it. And I walk with boundless love, the warrior heart, and most of all, Grace. I must walk to honor her, even if I stumble. And have faith that I can hang on and edge forward no matter how dark or slippery it gets. Because I've been brought to this place so I might cross. A most humble thank you.

Namasté.

December 19, 2006

timothy

look at me I'm ten feet tall
jungle-jim, hope I don't fall
gather 'round for my playground show

Continue reading "timothy" »

sorrow

Sorry kids, it's a lyrics night. I don't really feeling like writing my own words right now. Maybe after a decent night sleep...

Father, can you hear me?
How have I let you down?
I curse the day that I was born,
And all the sorrow in the world...

Continue reading "sorrow" »

it isn't stopping

dear, kiss me once more
that i may wear your love
and be free from this ache
that isn't stopping

jesus walked on the water
turned the water into wine
we drink the wine and touch
our glasses, everything is fine

a number not in service
under cover of the night
spirits fly from the gorge
to santee leaving it all behind

lines of poetry sing a mystery
but its few and far between
a caring touch instead of
a harsh word overheard

there's a place named for my dad
and the home we never had
the only chance now is to work
and keep from passing it on

misty

With some prompting from Sharon, I made some mix cds for Jake's b-day. Then I made a slightly modified one for Sharon. Who knew I'd end up listening to it over and over again in the wee hours of a Tuesday morning...

Continue reading "misty" »

damaged

looking for shelter from the storm that
brews within licking a raw inside cut
a bad boy who's lost his way

a runner on the sands of war with a kit
full of sister morphine and bloody gauze
homecoming to the pipes that play

tossing fastballs warmed up too fast
but that was just an excuse to no try
and stay with the familiar sting

not ready when the first one came along
the vacuum scares him, that'll work
reading meters, checking out, never there

the second was a mistake but can't send it back
so settle in for the long haul in suit and tie
in by 7 out by 5 and gone the rest of the time

can't really blame you, never had a chance
too bad you had to take me down too
didn't have the tools to make it work

hurry sundown so we can leave this place
under cover of the night we're all the same
and he'll never find us here

damaged one and all but this still
makes me shake my head and wonder
and fight my way out of the enveloping haze

sim buy

Always liked this shot. Far from perfect, but very much the moment. Sim buy. Shanghai.

sim.jpg

couch2couch

Started the day on the couch (actually an Eames chair, but metaphorical couch). Somehow made it to the end of the day. And now my couch has my name on it.

btw, Visine says it take the red out. Bullshit. Doesn't work at all right now...

December 20, 2006

math

So this woman is teaching people math, in particular greater-than and less-than symbols. She kept getting it wrong though, saying for instance 4<3. I tried to explain it two ways: that the symbol points at the smaller number, and that the open end is next to the bigger number. But she didn't want to listen.

Paging the good doctor...

reporting for duty

Rewind back to fall '05. I was managing director (#2) and we got a new executive director (#1). #1 decides that the center is going to go in a different direction. #2 is given a choice of being out on the street or taking a half time research position. #2 opts for the latter and manages over time to sort out the other half of the job, and eventually transitions full time to a new institute full time in summer '06, reporting to the acting executive director (#1). New executive director is appointed (#1) and acting executive director goes back to managing director (#2). So I'm now #3? Anywho, #2 announces he's leaving this week. So #1 calls me into his office today as they temporarily reshuffle reporting until a new creative director (parallel #2) is named. Now I'm reporting to #1, at least until parallel #2 is announced (in a few weeks). Then will I continue to report to #1, or the new #2, or maybe a mystery #4?

My head hurts. Luckily the rest of my life is smooth sailing right now. Oh wait...

shutdown

as in sometime you just gotta...shutdown. My shutdown usually involves a long drive though...with the distance commensurate with the issues at hand.

Hello Canada!

December 21, 2006

toss it on the pile

This AM was half of a quad periodontal treatment at the dentist. Basically, numb half of my mouth/face, then dig around like a maniac getting plaque below the gumline out. Leaving one with many mouthfuls of blood and wonderfully sore gums/jaw after the local wears off. Then I leaned over a bit and my lower back went out. Hard. Managed to make it home and put wood lock oil on it. And now it is to the couch to try and let it mend. Well, except for the laundry that needs to be done. Finished the kitchen (was a mess) but the rest of the apt is similarly disheveled. Oh, and pay the bills...hmm, why are those ones red?

When it rains it pours. Bring it. I'm sure the good doctor will throw another yule log or two on the fire as well tomorrow...

walking upright

Walking upright is so over-rated. Hell, even walking is whack.

I really didn't need this right now. Or maybe I did. A punctuation point. A reminder of human frailty or a life of confusion or some such bullshit. The easy thing would be to fall back. Guess this just hasn't been an easy year. Or an easy future. Or an easy present.

It hurts. I'm tired. I wanna go home.

gray way

The old way was pretty black and white. And as usual, while I'm superb at seeing shades of gray in my work and intellectual pursuits, historically I have worked with a 1-bit emotional palette. So when the chips hit the fan (he said, mixing his metaphors), it is understandable that black/white rises to the surface as the logical course of action. While I might be feeling it all (a change from the old ways), the bumps in the road seem to reduces the available shades.

But it turns out that maybe there is a bit of gray in me. With some prodding of course, but I did reach out. And that's a good thing. Still hard. Still painful. Still crawling. But that'll work for now...

December 22, 2006

i know jack

No, not Jack Bauer. Jackhammer. Outside my apartment this morning. So much for sleeping in. At least they're working on the plumbing...

December 23, 2006

am i bi?

Cultural that is. Time will tell. But it would seem that the latent Asian in me is struggling to breathe free. Learning the Mandarin is going slow, and no concrete plans for working/living in China (albeit for short bursts), but still the sense of opportunity awaits. Wo hao ma? Good question...

December 24, 2006

conscious v. unconscious

Always a battle between these two. Someone told me that you have to listen to the unconscious. Working on that, but what do you do when it is late to the party? I suppose it ends in pain. Seems it ends that way either way.

A fitting x-mas eve for this very long year. I'll be flying solo. It was 23 years ago tonight that one chapter crashed and the next barely began. These days it feels like it is a new chapter every session, or every day. More like free verse than a novel. I don't know. Can't really take much more. But I'm still battling.

transom

various snippets floating through the transom...

And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how
---

Continue reading "transom" »

long december

I've posted this one before, but we're in the month, almost at the end.
Where did it go?

A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last

Continue reading "long december" »

it's dark early

5pm comes and the sun is gone. A lot of things are gone. Some left today. Some left last week. Some last month. Some I never had.

Some will return. Others likely won't. Which is which? Time will tell...

hope

Words can hurt. But oh, how they can heal.

And music can hurt, but oh, how it heals.

I may have lost my innocence, but boy, could I play. Can play. And did again tonight. A rising note lifts all souls...

Namaste

December 25, 2006

happy holidays

OK, I found one thing I just love about the holidays: finding parking around my apartment is really easy since everyone is out of town.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. And safe flight.

god speed godfather

The godfather of soul, James Brown, passed today. He was an original, and will be missed. The funkiest man to walk the planet. My peripheral brush with him was playing with one of his touring drummers many years ago. Slammin'

I feel good
I knew that I would now
I feel good
I knew that I would now
So good, so good, I got you!

rediscovering browne

Jackson that is...

Doctor, my eyes have seen the years
And the slow parade of fears without crying
Now I want to understand

Continue reading "rediscovering browne" »

home for the holidays

OK, I'm going to hijack my own thread before it starts, but too bad. Three reasons *I* know there is a higher power:

1. I didn't die on 24Dec83
2. I didn't die on 18Aug06
3. I'm dropping down into Malibu on Kannan Rd, and just as the Pacific comes into view, this song comes on the radio:

Continue reading "home for the holidays" »

December 26, 2006

thus spoke the godfather

"darkness is death's ignorance, and the devil's time"

what's the score

We'll find out. This video project needs music. I was going to just use a stock library, but Bob liked this stark piano piece that he saw on youtube, and I said, "hey, I can do stark piano." So there ya go. I entered college as a music major with my goal being to score films. Changed major for a variety of reasons. Actually did score a small video while up in San Francisco. Guess this will be another one. A brief detour or a new path? Time will tell. Hmm, seems to be a lot of that going around...

December 27, 2006

void void

Sometimes you think you know how to play it. But when you get into it, you decide that it really isn't working for you. That the old ways have been shed, but the new doesn't feel like you thought it would. And maybe you don't know how to play it. Or that playing it really isn't the way to go. But instead just walk. Towards the rising sun, or away from a setting sun? Shambhala makes it pretty clear, but I'm also at home in the dark night. How do you rectify those opposites? Well, maybe it is just yin/yang. How many times have I seen the early morning sun reflect off the glassy water, dropping into any of thousands of waves I've ridden over the years? And how many times have I sat or stood at 1am, feeling the night creep through the open door, letting the music out into the darkness?

Not enough of either it turns out. I'm not done yet. The void is like the water covering my head, blocking out the sun and knocking the air from my lungs. But I know I'll pop up after the ocean has her way with me. The void is like not really knowing what the next chord is, or losing the beat in the middle of the song. But I know I'll pick it up again in a bar or two. Just a hiccup along the way. As long as you're open to it all...

oasis shadow

I've talked about my shadow in my verse (both conscious and unconscious...must be a big deal then), so I figure looking at someone else's take on this is a good thing.

Heres a thought for every man who tries to understand
What is in his hands (whats in his hands)
He walks along the open road of love and life
To find it if he can (but only if he can)

Bound with all the weight of all the words he tried to say
Chained to all the places that he never wished to stay
Bound with all the weight of all the words he tried to say
As he faced the sun he cast no shadow

As they took his soul they stole his pride
As they took his soul they stole his pride
As they took his soul they stole his pride
As he faced the sun he cast no shadow

ok, i'm out

should be easier, not harder. too much to think about. too many parameters. ok, i'm out. extract, text track, strip the audio. picture lock. taking stock. not as advertised. project sucks. can i go now? ok, i'm out.

December 28, 2006

digging deep

No, not me. Today was not a day to plumb the emotional depths of humanity. It was another periodontal quad treatment though, so my dentist got to dig deep below the gum line with very sharp scraping instruments. My mouth hurts...looks like a couch night for me. Awesome vacation so far, eh? Tommorrow I have three (3!) meetings. On a vacation day. Grrr...

cashing in

Listening to Johnny Cash's American IV album. Funny that the man in black leads me back to the Beatles...

There are places I'll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

Continue reading "cashing in" »

December 29, 2006

can i go now?

no, really. i want to leave.

December 30, 2006

12 plus

Finally "vacation" pays off. Or maybe it was working during vacation that finally made it snap. Anywho, a solid 12 hours of sleep. And a dream of being in paramedic school. What's up with that?!?

today

Shots from the walk to and from Peets today. Winter sun is wonderful...


Continue reading "today" »

December 31, 2006

it's official

Well, as of now I am official single, as in unmarried. At least according to the courts. I'm still a parent (evidently that never ends), but in the eyes of the court I'm footloose and fancy free. Whatever that means...

About December 2006

This page contains all entries posted to nostatic at all... in December 2006. They are listed from oldest to newest.

November 2006 is the previous archive.

January 2007 is the next archive.

Many more can be found on the main index page or by looking through the archives.

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