nostatic at all...

Why can't dinner make itself? Is that too much to ask? Oh wait, that's why god invented take-out. Hmm, but then I'd have to get up off the couch. Well, I have to do that to deal with the laundry. But that might be too much effort. All these decisions...

Is a call back too much to ask? Arggh...

Of sleep that is. Well, not uninterrupted, plenty of tossing and turning, and part of it spent on the couch, others in the bed. But evidently my body (and especially devil mind) needed a bit of a break). It finally was ended by a ring of the doorbell at 11am. I checked through the peephole and it looked like two women who wanted to convert me so I just hit the shower instead.

it goes apart and comes around
rises up and settles down
waiting for the second stays
feeling like the winsome fades

message post in the night
away from the masses sight
at some point comment stops
from black to white it fades

characters of the mother tongue
slash and cross a lonely one
with no translation just assume
distance grows and reeling fades

seeking help from an old script
years have passed, the record skipped
stuck in a groove and scratching ties
and slowly dies the music fades

Buddha, Jesus, and a lawn gnome with an axe. Not quite sure what to make of that, but offered for your perousal...

negative save two not in. roger that. followup tomorrow. check. maintain 270 at 31. copy that. have a good day.

Sometimes you stumble onto profound things in the strangest places. Like PPOT. Here is a Crosby & Nash song...amazing lyrics.

the clown sat speechless, looking in his mirror
unable to remember how to paint his face
staring at the image, slowly getting clearer
wondering if his fear or his heart would win the race

when it dawns on you
what it takes from you
living under clouds of pain
there's a storm in you
you don't know what to do
just when you think you're going insane
you lie naked in the rain

fluttering pages of faces
no two alike
choice is your soul's moment
for its light to strike

Sometimes when I pick up the guitar and play, I'll hit a note. The note. I hesitate to say the "right" note because it is ephemeral. Everything is. Trying to understand the "E" word. Anyway, notes came, tears flowed, notes went, pictures glowed, and all was wrong and right with the world all at once. Ephemera. Never quite clear. Just on the edge of focus, followed by another roll.

I used to want someone to get it. I don't know that is realistic. I don't know much of anything anymore. I was supposed to take the highway, but I couldn't find my ride. Lost in a sea of cars. And pushing a wicked wheelbarrow trying to carry my baggage across the rough hewn field. The lamp fell off, my friends went on ahead, as I sat and berated myself for not noting the color or the letter or the number. Nothing to go on. And no one to say, "hey, remember this one..."

This is the night
Of the expanding the man
I take one last drag
As I approach the stand
I cried when I wrote this song
Sue me if I play too long
This brother is free
I'll be what I want to be

Another strike to the heart of the peninsula. Another planning meeting at Hewlett in advance of yet another meeting that I'm supposed to convene. There is just that pesky problem about agenda. So fly up, cab in, meet and eat, cab out, fly down. A quick $500 day. At least it is covered by a grant *but* I'm over $5K down on reimbursements and invoices and the checking account is not happy. Argh.

There were rumors. A friend of the boy has head lice. A friend that has done sleepovers at the house (not my place). Uh oh. The boy has been scratching his head for some time, but the story from mom was "dry scalp." Uh oh. So the word comes down tonight from mom: 2 hours of combing the little buggers out of his hair along with the requisite shampoo/conditioner/chemicals. Fun. So I started the preemptive strikes here, vacuuming the couch, pulling blankets we both used, and will do multiple loads of bedding laundry tomorrow night. Woohoo. Just what the doctor ordered. Guess it'll be a trip to the drug store in my future...

I'm not watching American Idol this season (haven't in quite a few seasons actually). In fact the only first run shows I'm watching this year are 24 (thanks S...dammit, we don't have time!) and of course L&O. But a PPOT friend posted about this Melinda Doolittle. Very nice. Now I'm the first to admit a soft spot for female vocalists (Venus Campos anyone?), but most of the ones out these days are mostly the same pablum...oversinging everything, overwrought, etc. But this woman...well, just check out this version of My Funny Valentine

If only. If only I had the time. And the energy. And the time. Energy. Time. So little of each sometimes...

Well, it turns out that every drive in LA with more than one person in the car is a potential pitch session. Luckily I like the guy who was doing the pitch, and it is for us to collaborate on a documentary project, so maybe. He's gotta talk to the book author and guage interest, then we'd have to work up a quick treatment. Then pitch to someone else that has money. Maybe it would get funded. How I'll find the time to do it is another question altogether. Maybe I can figure it out...

Wait...how the hell did I end up here?!?

Down to lovely Santee today to visit the new legacy homestead. Have to admit to feeling quite a wave of depression when pulling into the mobile home park. Not sure why...I'm not living there. I guess it was the prospect of seeing a possible future. But since the future never comes, the vision is merely a signpost to remind me what I have to do *today*.

Of course the trick is figuring out what that is. Like Nike says, "just do it."

streaking symbols shine and sparkle
it hurts to look
dance and flit turning orange
in the dropping distance
sputtered filaments not yet glowing
too early for this one

head to tail, red to black
fish soaring in spite of
or because of
no, wait, and...and

trails through the marsh
were adventure some time back
now seem small and painful
but only because the eyes
are tired
and the heart
is mired
currying favor
misplaced glory
same old story
dressed up goodbye
from both that came before
and now silent
stinging
quiet
void

it hurts to look but still i do
the shimmer beckons
siren song looking for a cove
to gather up and strike back
burst forth
turning
twisting
releasing
fall

Happy birthday to a woman like no other. A soul that opened my eyes and taught me more than I ever though possible. I wish the divine Ms. S all of the joy, happiness, love, and grace in this and all other worlds. May she receive it all. Namaste.

Work trip to Quantico, VA. Flew into DC today, then tried to find a resaurant in Tyson Corners. Could the roads be any less well marked here? Long and interesting conversation with an ex senior analyst for the CIA. Scary. Can't talk about it. Don't want black helicopters showing up. I've said to much...

I'm the first to admit that I love my job. I often can't explain exactly what I do (create immersive/interactive learning and training systems and do research into social networks and software, serious games, blah blah blah), but I never know what I'll be doing next. Late last year I ended up being a director for a video project. Then did the music for it. Then another project is game design. Well today was a field trip to the FBI Academy in Quantico, VA. We're going to likely do something with the FBI for training recruits and others. Of course we have to do thorough research so we can better understand the problem. Here's me on the range with a fully automatic MP5:

more later...

As part of today's tour we did a training simulator which is a laserdisc system with projector and a pistol that has tracking on it to see where on the screen you shoot (a higher tech version of the stuff you see in arcades). One of the instructors demonstrated one of the video scenarios where you have to decide when/where to shoot. Then each of us did a different scenario. In mine, I was on a no-knock warrant and after the team cleared 3 rooms the bad guy came walking towards me in his underwear with his hands up. Just as he got to the doorway he made a quick motion and I fired, squeezing off 4 quick shots. It was SCARY. My pulse rate was skyrocketing. It turns out that in the scenario he had a gun taped to the wall and that's what he was going for. Before we reviewed my performance one of the instructors asked where his gun came from. I said I wasn't sure but thought it was from behind his back. The instructor asked, "would you bet your life on it?" to which I replied, "um, no." Then he asked if I thought I got the bad guy before he shot and I said I thought I did. We hit replay, and I saw him reach for the taped gun, and it turns out I shot him 0.25 seconds before he pulled his trigger. And all 4 of my shots were "kills" to his torso. Crazy stuff. I'm still shaking from it...very real. I respected law enforcement before, but these guys/gals are good.

Well, made it back from Quantico in one piece. Got to experience the morning DC commute in a Kia rental SUV (ponderous pos) and navigate Dulles airport (what a stupid place). Uneventful flight back...shared the plane with much of the George Washington University cheer squad. Not sure why...I assume they're in the NCAA tournament? Then it was off the plane, walked from terminal 4 to Park One (a hike, but I needed the exercise), then straight to the office. Far too much to do. Then off to pick up the boy, a decent cup of coffee from Peets, and to Bristol Farms for basic groceries. Then homework, dinner, and got the boy off to bed. Then to the couch to welcome another year: Friday practice from the Australian Grand Prix. Yes, the '07 F1 season has begun, and Tivo is on the case. So I can watch practice then trail off to sleep, as it is after midnight EST. Ahh, the singing of the V8s...

Kismet is an odd thing. I have to oversee a redesign of our webspace at work, so I've been looking for design firms. I'm pretty picky, having done web stuff since '95, and I have my own thoughts on aesthetic and approach. So while sorting through various "best of" lists and whatnot I happened on a company called Farenheit, and really liked their work. So I start the dance of talking about design, quotes, etc. Great conversation, and I'm really hitting it off with their creative director.

I've been reading Thich Nhat Hanh's book "The Miracle of Mindfulness." Among other things, it talks about being truly present in the moment and focusing on whatever you're doing...be it talking to someone, sipping tea, or even washing dishes. Now I'm actually ok with washing dishes, but I admit that I generally rush through them quickly to get on with doing something else. Hanh's point is that one should be mindful of the instant you're in (because that's all there really is), so if you're washing the dishes, then be there and wash the dishes. So last night, faced with a stack of dirty dishes (hey, I've been traveling), I decided to practice mindfulness. I started the water, grabbed a dish and took my time, just washing, not thinking about what I was going to do next. The funny thing is that it didn't really take much more time, and it actually was almost pleasant. And most certainly calming. Who knew? Well, I guess Thich Nhat Nanh knew...

For some reason 5:30am seems to be the time du jour for early wakeup these days. Devil mind then kicks in and it's toss and turn for the next few hours. Some interesting/odd dreams as well in between the fun. Been working on following my breath during these stretches and it does work but just for short bursts. More practice I guess, but I'd settle for more sleep. I suppose one will lead to the other. No way but through.

Plans come together. Plans fall apart. Expectations suck. I want to sleep.

Well, I probably don't, but I do get the idea that repeated 5am wakeup followed by toss and turn and devil mind is probably trying to tell me something. Now to decipher it. I've been told that I know what questions to ask. I suppose I do, but the answers? Well that's a whole 'nother ball o' wax.

While sorting through clothes in Calvin's room I found my copy of "The Places That Scare You." Odd place for it (as opposed to the bookshelf, or beside the bed), but the universe provides. So I started reading. Evidently I had left off starting at Chapter 13 (according to where the outer sleeve was inserted.

The essence of bravery is being without self-deception.

as Zoidberg would said, "I kid, I kid..." (of course that's right before he starts either sobbing or going whoop whoop whoop)

if 5 was 7
it could be better
feeling suicidal
praying for revival
on the cold yellow tile
and a hot stream tries
to rinse off the edge

hanging head trying
to catch a breath inbetween
drops falling mixed with
everything else that came
before and after
never during

but duty calls
no time to rest
seems so long ago
can't even remember
what rest is
was
could be
upcoming test
maybe absent
just can't climb
sometimes no
is all i can do

Boo!

It's a serious game. That's all I can say...

Changes in attitude...

For those of you keeping score at home, from 2000 up until 2005 I was the managing director of the Annenber Center for Communication (ACC). We did a lot of great work there, including early use of social software in academia, mini documentaries on various projects, and pushing the boundaries of the digital world. But as happens in academia (and elsewhere), there was a change at the top (ie my boss), and with the new guard, the old guard (ie me) usually goes away. I managed a soft landing as a half-time research fellow combined with a half-time position at the Institute for Creative Technologies (ICT), and eventually ended up full time at ICT.

the prose flows from her
in beautiful arcs
brightly sprinkled voicing
that captivates and inspires
absolutely

an old soul but young
at heart and wise beyond
her tears that nourish art
so stunning she cannot yet see
absolutely

shining star streaking far
beyond what those around her
can see or feel or dream
beautiful dancer pirouettes
absolutely

deepest lover sheds the covers
armored no more instead
walks until the clack
then sits and breathes
absolutely

letting go and knowing that
every moment is a fresh start
she feels it all and braves it all
a precious soul that embodies grace
absolutely

Well, for a variety of reasons, there will be no in-person viewing of the Malaysian GP this year. I'll have to resort to my usual mode which is Tivo. That's ok...it is a long season and I *will* get to a race this year. But this one wasn't to be. However maybe I learned some things in the process. International travel is still on the docket though, as I'll be in Beijing in May for work. And maybe I can extend that trip a bit. And of course there always is the Chinese GP in Shanghai in October. I do want to get back to Shanghai...a very special city for a lot of reasons.

Well, I threatened it back in January, so today I finally got around to actually working on the songs on the setlist for an acoustic gig. A few are easy (ones I know), and others are transformed from electric versions. Since I'm singing (ack) I have to change keys. This one seems to work quite well capo'd up to the 3rd fret. Interesting feelings that pop up when banging this out on the Martin...with a bit of a country feel.

If you've got a picture of your face
Could you leave it on your way out the door
I don't care if it's color or black or white
I just need something to remember you by

Oh, before my life went dim
Oh, before my life went dim
No one told me the trouble I was in
Before my life went dim

A while back I was asked where I saw myself in 10 years. I have to admit that I had a tough time answering that. I've had a few course corrections over the years, with the big one taking place in 2000 when I went from chemistry professor to new media guy. The last 2+ years have been an almost non-stop whirling dervish of various change, both professional and personal. Some things seem to come full circle, only to keep on going. Spiral development they call it. But in other ways, I haven't really been moving towards a specific goal to hit in 5 or 10 years. With work, I've just been absorbing new things (game development, anyone?) and trying to make connections with brilliant people in various areas (with Dylan and Bob being my two most recent acquaintances). And pondering the possibilities. The other side of the house has been interesting with surprises along the way. Takes time to sort through things...on all fronts.

look, if i knew, then it wouldn't be interesting, right?

i'm just riffing on this and seeing where it goes...i have no idea where it leads

Greetings from Houston. Here for a Hewlett Foundation grantees conference on Open Education Resources. Luckily I don't have to present or speak, but I do need to be "on," and spent much of tonight's informal dinner talking potential projects and ideas with various people. Tomorrow is a full day of talks and more talks, then another dinner. The humor moment was when I met up with another attendee who was in slacks and a sport coat (no tie) and I was of course in jeans and a hawaiian shirt. He commented that it said "casual" and I asked where he was from. DC was the answer. So there you go...regional definitions of "casual." I'll take the SoCal version every time...

A full day of meetings today followed by dinner on the 34th floor of a mobil/exxon building. Big oil. I need a shower. Food was pretty good, view was spectacular (well, as much as a view of Houston can be). Cathy said it reminded her of the view from the Bund. I looked at her and said, "umm, you must be kidding." Houston is so not Shanghai...

Our meetings were held in Duncan Hall on the Campus of Rice University. Go Owls! Or not. Interesting architecture and colors, but to be honest in person it was a bit of an assault on the senses. At least they had open wireless...

It was a dense trip. Non-stop thinking and meetings punctuated by email bursts and fires on the work front. Flight was late leaving Houston but that just let more people call me and bug me about other work projects. Can't I go home now? Oh wait. I am. But just to more work. More papers. More responsibility. Less sleep. No wait more sleep. Right...I wish...

Yeah, I sometimes wish my life were a game show. But maybe it is. Do I get a lovely parting gift? Choose the curtain where the lovely Carol Merril is standing? Joker...joker........JOKER!

Do I make the trip or not? Was feeling pretty sassy yesterday, quite the opposite today. What fun is a vacation is you can barely move your head and just want to fidget and try to sleep? I don't know. Goodness knows there is enough work to keep me busy until I turn to dust. But that can't be the deciding factor. If only I knew what was...

Waiter? Check please. Oh, and the view from the Petroleum Club at night does *not* look like the Bund. Sorry, I can't get behind that one...

what a difference a day
make it count make it wear
and tear and stare off
into a distant past passed on

rain reversing direction
falling up, failing up
flailing up and wiggle
second, third, fourth
chance to start but really
just quit counting

not caring, not knowing
but showing signs of time
actually spent not dreaming
shrinking away from dark
praying for the light
end to the night
end to more
or less

Geez...what a difference some sleep makes. Dare I say the world might look almost...hopeful? Naw, that's crazy talk. The only downside was that Milo meowed and woke me up and I looked at the clock and it said 7:20am. Wow. Sleep. What a concept. Boy, it is dark though. Well, it turns out that I'd hit the wrong button on my digital clock radio and turned 6am into 7am. Doh! Another example of problems with the analog to digital conversion...

Well, I got suckered into another project that wasn't on my plate. But I get to be creative so I spent much of the night and today playing with various versions. Basically it is someone else's powerpoint that I edited a bit (it really needs images but I've only got so much time) and added music. The original author had used a movie soundtrack and it turns out that the copyright owner didn't like that. So I used some legal music and tweaked it a bit. And an working on yet another version. Hmm...I have a problem...

Shift Happens (short version)

Shift Happens (short version alt take)

Shift Happens (med version)

Shift Happens (long version)