This post has been a year in the making, but to think of it that way puts far too much pressure on me. For those of you following along at home, it was a warm Friday night one year ago today that a coyote altered the lives of Sharon and yours truly (not to mention the coyote's). Is that too melodramatic? No, I think not. If anything, I have discounted the gravity of the whole thing, and am only now coming to terms with what it means for life, love, and the deeper meanings.
I would love to say that in the past year I've sorted out things and am now "cured." But that is BS. I would like to think I'm more aware, more in touch with what is going on, and have a bit of a clue, but even that seems tenuous at times. However maybe that is the point. In order to shed my "thinking" being for a more feeling one, confusion must reign for awhile. After all, I have historically lived to be "in control" of my world, and get the "right" answer to everything. Maybe those are the two things the coyote was trying to tell me. That in fact I have very little control over the universe, and there is no right or wrong...there just is.
Well if that is the case, then why the hell have I been beating myself to death to "get it right"? Umm, mom, you want to leave the room now?
As I take a few moments to look back at the year passed, I can see a lot of good and a lot of sad. Way too much sad. Largely because of fear and hanging onto old models and old ways and old processes. And fear of fear. It's funny because going back and reading both my and Sharon's account of the night, a couple of things stand out. First and foremost, we were incredibly lucky. Second was my presence of mind and "gallows humor". The lesson there being that the same things that can save you (like my thinking and solving problems early on in life, and in the case of the accident, my ability to ignore the feelings and just get through it), end up being the things that hold you back once you get to a certain point.
I don't have much eloquence at the moment. I'm tired from a very long year, proud of some moments, and profoundly sad about others. I suppose if I can learn and grow from the good and the bad (and in fact do away with those terms entirely), then the coyote didn't give his last breath in vain. So I'll offer a few thoughts from my good friend Dylan.
"Develop your intuition, your senses, your emotional self. They'll take you much farther and deeper than your mind can go."
"One word of advice to your Libra tendencies: stop thinking so much. You see forks in the road where none exist. There is only one road we're on. There are no what ifs. The what ifs belong to other lives. There is only desire and pursuit of that desire. If you weigh and compare every apple and orange, it can never resolve, and you will never find inner peace."
Just like the coyote and everything that followed, I need to reflect on that, and try to put it into action. Without thinking too much about it.
Namaste
Life
Ai
