For a long time I've been considered "hardcore." No, we're not talking porn, but rather just life in general, and sports/hobbies in particular. It goes way back when, to those days when I was a kid and would field grounders until I couldn't see the ball any more. It continued from there, and I remember having trouble in my first serious relationship in college because I was playing on three or four different softball teams, gigging, doing school full time, and tutoring for cash.
Of course I was hardcore during the lost years...I had to do drugs better than anybody else. So I did. Lots of practice. But I digress...
In grad school the "hardcore" was found in bicycling. I was a member of the Pasadena Mountain Bike Club, and in those days we were (in)famous for our "death march" rides: often 8-10 hours in the saddle, bagging various peaks throughout the southland. I never knew what drove me back then, but I like to climb and liked to suffer. There was a sense of accomplishment, knowing I'd done something that most other people couldn't, but there was more at play. Of course I didn't really begin to get a handle on that until the last few weeks. Hey, sometimes I'm a slow learner.
Fast forward to the more recent past, and I'm still hardcore. I spend the day tracking my car in the desert and then drive back home and continue with my life without rest. I spend three days on track at Laguna Seca, and on Sunday track all day, then load up the car and drive 7 hours back home. Then get up and hit work the next day. Same thing with Vegas. And last summer I decide to visit some friends in San Francisco for dinner, so I pack up my motorcycle (one *not* designed for long distance runs) and ride up one day, back the next.
All these times, pushing my body to the extreme. At 44 I really can't take this much abuse without paying a price, both physically and emotionally/psychologically. This week was kinda the last straw. Another fine habit is obsessing on some particular thing or purchase...and why not, when that keeps you from thinking about things you *should* be working on? So this coming Monday I'm supposed to get on a plan for Shanghai, and that is causing me great stress as I don't really travel well, especially long distances in a cramped plane, ending up in a foreign country. But this is different from Japan, I'm a different person and circumstances are very different. But still, high stress. So how do I take it easy on myself? Why fly up to San Francisco and ride a motorcycle back. In hellish weather. Pushing myself to finish when everyone else I've talked to (biker and non-biker) says the same thing: "I would have stopped and spent the night at a motel along the way."
But that's not hard core. So instead I pushed through and made it. Barely. Then a day or two of rest before two track days: racing and instructing with POC. Then the flight to Shanghai. Well, something had to give and it was me. I just couldn't do it any more. A very tough fight, but last night I got up and turned the alarm off. My back was killing me, my hip still very tender, but I still was thinking that I'd "see how I felt at 6am." The hardcore solution was of course to go race. Forget the pain, just push through it. People are depending on me to instruct. I have to post times to get points in the race for the class championship.
But at midnight, with some gentle loving support, I got up and turned the alarm off. I wasn't going to get up and race. I was going to give my body a rest. I was not going to be hardcore, but instead be kind to myself. And hopefully learn the lessons from earlier in the week, and tuck them away for next time I felt myself obsessing or wanting to push. I don't need to be hardcore. There will be another track day. Another day to ride. Another student to instruct. No one will hold it against me. I don't have to win a championship, I just need to enjoy the hell out of the ride.
And there is the key...enjoy the ride. And as S said to me, I don't want to try and enjoy the ride from a wheelchair. Thanks S.
