nostatic at all...

Never assume, so they say. But I'm so good at it...

Anywho, at least work is looking up. One project put to bed (I think), and increased funding for another. Lunch with a prospective new project next week, and of course I need to work on my concept pitch. And the über training/operations confluence application. I suppose keeping busy is a good distraction. Or something. But I really do need a vacation. Not sure how much longer these balls will stay in the air. Time will tell...

I was taken to task the other day when an online friend posted about being depressed with work, and my response was to post the lyrics to Suicide is Painless. "I expected better of you..." one person said. I then had to remind people of the context of the song and explain that the song isn't about giving up, but rather acknowledges the suffering while staring down the devil inside. I guess I've done a lot of staring lately...

Through early morning fog I see
visions of the things to be
the pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can see...

A working dinner with my brilliant friends Dylan and Bob. Hard stuff to ponder though, but as usual we drifted into the metaphysical and philosophical. Most interesting was talking about form v. function (Bob claims there is no v. but rather that they are inextricably mixed) and fidelity v. aesthetic (not really v. but another crossover). If only I could fully concentrate...I'm getting tired of this damn ache. Hopefully motrin will dull it so I can get some sleep, as the alarm goes off at 6am for another track day at Streets of Willow tomorrow. Would like the ache to go away because driving/sitting seems to make it worse. Great. I'd like to be excited about going and stoked but instead I'm wallowing in trepidation and discomfort. Super. Just super...

I'll admit it. I'm a slacker sometimes. For instance, one of the "basic" techniques of racing is heel and toe. What you do is press on the brake with your toe while you simultaneously roll your heel to push on the throttle. Why do this you ask? Well, when you're going really fast and a corner is coming up, you need to brake (of course). So the typical scenario is brake as late as possible and as hard as possible without locking up the wheels (usually while driving in a straight line, although you can trail brake as an advanced technique, meaning you brake while turning). You then turn in, and try to get back on the throttle as quickly and smoothly as possible. The quicker you're on the throttle, the faster you'll be at the turn exit. The problem is you've got 3 pedals and only 2 feet. And if you just downshift and drop the clutch, it will upset the weight balance of the car...and if you're driving at the ragged edge, you'll spin. So what you do is brake, push in the clutch with your left foot, then roll over your right heel to tap the throttle while downshifting. If you do it right, the revs of the engine will match the revs of the new gear (lower gear means higher revs, hence the need to increase throttle), and the car is smoothly downshifted and is ready to go hard.

For those of you following at home, you know I'm a cat person. We had four of them at the house, and after I moved out I ended up with two of them. You'll hopefully have forgotten about the demise of Lela, but Milo has been a solo kitty for that past 6 months or so. During the China trip he stayed at the house with "the girls" (Atilla and LoveBites), and J said he seemed to enjoy it. So I figured it might be time to get him a new friend. A trip to the local animal shelter, some surgery (bye, ovaries), and I'm proud to introduce Twiggy

Yeah, she looks bored in the photo. I'm happy to report that she is a sweetheart and a lap kitty (much to Milo's chagrin), although she is still a bit of a kitten at heart (about a year old I'm guessing) so she gets into everything. It's taken about a week or so, but the two are finally starting to play instead of hiss. Hmm...interesting life lesson there perhaps...

Same track, different day, opposite direction. Yesterday was clockwise, today was counter clockwise. The main sticking point is "the bowl", which is a tough, banked turn that is decreasing radius when done CCW. One of the POC hotshoes (Dylan) posted his double apex line and it made sense so I tried it today. Turns out it works. Weather was brutal hot, Calvin was bored (and hot), but in the first morning practice I beat my previous best time, and in the second timed session (that counted), turned a 1:32.184 which beat the previous class record of 1:32:386. Calvin and I packed up after the 3rd run session (in which i was about a half second slower, but I had traffic to contend with and it was hot, hot, hot. I don't know if Don beat me in the 3rd or 4th sessions, but time will tell (so to speak). At any rate, the car was working great, it felt good to be driving (despite some physical ailments that are annoying). Cup races next weekend but I think I'm going to pass and rest up. Long layoff until Laguna Seca at the end of August, but I can take the time to sleep, work, and do some maintenance to the car. All in all, not a bad weekend at all...

The motrin doesn't seem to be doing the trick. I could switch to vicodin but that seems like a cop out. Hmm. Guess it's off to the doc. Where he'll likely say, "wait and see it if goes away."

Hey, at least insurance finally covered the MRI on my knee so I'm not on the hook for $1600. Guess I can work on shedding some weight from the 911. I found out I'm about 200 pounds heavier than my competitors in class. That should be worth about a second or so. Maybe. If I practice...

Tried to sleep in today. Sorta worked, although the Bad Religion song "Sorrow" kept running through my mind. Great. I guess that has replaced "Here Comes the Flood" from the endless mind loop for today. But then after I got up and checked email, a nasty little brace of chest pains. Indigestion? An email that went down the wrong tube? Guess it's finally time to get another heart scan. Had one done 5 years ago and it showed calcification of the right descending aorta (aka "the widowmaker"). I was in the 95th percentile...the wrong direction though. Stress tests were ok a couple of years back. Probably nothing. Like the other pains and pangs. All in my head...

I never got heavily into Little Feat, but maybe I should have. Lowell George is quite amazing. I remember first being exposed to them at UCSC. Ahh, Santa Cruz. Some stories from that place...and some demons revisited back in the fall of '04. Seems like forever...the fall of '04 that is. A few lifetimes ago. But that's a whole 'nother blog post about upheaval, massive changes, and people putting up walls down the line.

In sports they talk about playing through the pain. Hrm, I suppose one could talk about exercising through it as well. Not much choice unless one wants to remain sedentary (redundant?) although not clear if exercise makes it worse. I can always consider it a bit of a mental test to see if I can put things out of my mind and ignore the distractions.

As a side note, I thought Tony was going to eat the AR10. Guess that would have ended things one episode too early with too many loose ends. Quick yet messy way to go though...

Shocking, but made it through an entire class. Begged out on one animal set and didn't do some of the kicks in a kick/strike combination, but did run around blocking shinai strikes with my feet for 20 mintues. Uggh. We'll see how it feels in the morning...

So you just pick it back up. Again. Sure, it's going to fall apart again. But as long as you don't expect otherwise, I suppose you're ok. Even if you realize you were perhaps born a decade to late. Blind Faith covering the Stones. And one of my favs...one I've played on more than one occasion. Or them doing their own tune, one that I haven't covered. Yet.

Come down off your throne and leave your body alone.
Somebody must change.
You are the reason I've been waiting so long.
Somebody holds the key.

But I'm near the end and I just ain't got the time
And I'm wasted and I cant find my way home.

A festive dinner (Bob is an awesome cook, and Dylan desserteer extraordinare), but the meat of the evening was brainstorming message. Very hard work, especially for a place as confused as my work. But luckily the rain clouds formed, especially when the large sheets of butcher paper and sharpies came out and we started drawing pictures. As I used to tell my students, you don't solve problems in your head, you solve them with a pen(cil). I got to draw my axes, and we managed to get rid of the word "real." Can't wait to see where it goes next...

Another softball game tonight, and another crushing defeat. 0 for 2 hitting as well, although the second was a diving catch in the outfield so I was robbed (no, really). Played 3rd base and had a couple of chances that actually went ok, including starting a 5-4-3 double play. But I had to borrow a glove, as my beloved Fernando Valenzuela autograph Rawlings (shows you how old it is) finally gave up the ghost. I had it relaced about 10 years ago, but time is not kind to leather (or my back). While warming up today the lacing broke in 4 different places and the leather itself was disintegrating in the pocket. Hmm, guess I have to head off to find a new glove. *sigh*

End of another "era" today. The GTI went to Carmax and never came back home. Instead, I happed a cab back to the apartment. While I'd gone back and forth about the whole deal, at some point this morning I just decided that driving is part of what I do, and I want to shift. Without a computer helping. I'd had the appraisal done earlier in the week and they beat the trade-in quote by a couple $K, so I went ahead and did the deal. Felt a little sad, but also somewhat cathartic.

Well, I was a single car household for all of a day. A quick trip in the am out to Pasadena revealed that my new A3 prospect had been sold the day before, and my sensible side was winning out wrt the thought of buying an S4 Avant. While 340hp is all well and good (along with the V8 burble), the reality of about a $10K higher purchase price, higher insurance rate, higher mileage (and questionable CPO status), and mostly 13mpg in the city (ouch) led me to make a command decision. So a few emails knocking another $K off the price, and J dropped the boy and I off at Union Station for a train ride down to Solana Beach, to be met by Harry for a ride to the dealership. After the once over and a test ride, it was off to do paperwork.

Following the disintegration of my softball glove on Thursday, today saw a trip to the sporting goods store to try and find a replacement. Plus the boy has long since outgrown his baseball gloves (although he never used them much), so it was a 2-for-1 deal, along with a new bat for me as mine went missing after the first game this season. And then it was off to the playground to "have a catch." Calvin is getting a late start on thing. By his age I had 3 years of Little League under my belt, and I was quite a good player. But he's got the skills and if he wants to get good, he will. It was interesting as there were other kids about his age who were practicing for a game at the same place, and I could see him watching them. To his credit he didn't just quit when he made a mistake (hmm, maybe he isn't my kid), and we had a good time. Maybe a new regular activity. Time will tell...

Watched the series finale of the Sopranos. I want my money back. The writers *totally* wimped out and did a cheat ending. Plus they burned a bunch of screen time with crapulence (AJ burning his SUV?!?!?). The penultimate episode was GREAT. The finale weak at best, actionable at worst. I guess there is an expectation lesson in there somewhere...

Cleaning goes in fits and starts in my life. Physically and metaphorically. Often the two are inextricably mixed. I've had a bunch of boxes from my move 2.5 years ago that have never been unpacked. Hmm, if I didn't need what was in them by now, what does that say about their contents?

This song is the soundtrack to probably my favorite commercial ever (Bubble, by Mike Mills). Calvin wanted to watch the video of ELO doing it live. While watching it struck me...how long am I going to sit and say, "I wish I'd..." instead of getting in the game and running the risk of falling flat on my face?

Well?!?

Sun is shinin' in the sky
There ain't a cloud in sight
It's stopped rainin' ev'rybody's in a play
And don't you know
It's a beautiful new day hey,hey

Another night, another song, a reminder of shadows that have moved on.

Heres a thought for every man who tries to understand
What is in his hands (whats in his hands)
He walks along the open road of love and life
To find it if he can (but only if he can)

Bound with all the weight of all the words he tried to say
Chained to all the places that he never wished to stay
Bound with all the weight of all the words he tried to say
As he faced the sun he cast no shadow

As they took his soul they stole his pride
As they took his soul they stole his pride
As they took his soul they stole his pride
As he faced the sun he cast no shadow

Who am I to argue with my doc. Drink red wine every day he says. Well, that means a trip to TJ's is in order, as I was down to one bottle of GSM blend (that I want to save). Picked up 7 different bottles of Pinot, Syrah, and one Merlot (fuck Merlot). Unfortunately when I was trying to bring the groceries in, the handle on the grocery bag decided to let go and crashing to the ground they all went. The Austrailian Shiraz bit the dust, but luckily the other 6 bottles were intact. So it could have been worse. Now I need some proper red wine glasses as the ones I have are too small. It's always something.

Nikki Finke has some great shots at David Chase for the final Sopranos episode. Among my favorites:

"HBO could suffer a wave of cancellations, all because Chase didn’t give a damn about his fans. Instead, he crapped in their faces. Those many minutes of tension-building cutaways where we only find out that Meadow can’t parallel-park are exactly why America hates Hollywood: arrogance masquerading as art."

"In this final episode, Chase needed to exert himself to concoct an artful denouement. But he took the lazy way out. Aren’t writers paid to write? Maybe we all should register with the Writers Guild for our residuals, since we had to fill in the blank."

And yes, HBO will now be off my DirecTV. Looks like I'm back to F1, Iron Chef, and waiting to see if season 6 of 24 doesn't suck.

Another softball game tonight, this time pitching as our regular pitcher was out of town. Not very much stress out on the field for me, as I can throw strikes in my sleep. Was a close game, and with a few more plays and a few more hits we could have pulled it out. But it was respectable. I almost killed our second baseman when she was coaching 3rd base and I ripped a linedrive right past her head. But the moment that indicated I might have turned a corner was when one of their better hitter cranked my pitch right back at me. I instincitively stabbed my glove towards it, stopped it in the pocket but it fell to the ground (brand new glove). I scrambled quickly, picked it up and threw him out easily. Most of the rest of the team was astonished, as they thought I got whacked by the ball. But no, just doing what came naturally. Finally. After a number of games, I was feeling like I belonged out on the field again. I've slowed a step, but less than I though, and I've still got it. Just had to break off the rust. And have a little faith. Yet another life lesson...

The first night of Level 2 at Shambhala tonight. Luckily not too much time on the cushion (and I couldn't remember if I'd set the alarm in my car...thoughts). Tomorrow begins in earnest though, with two solid days. A very small group (4 of us) so it'll be intimate. No place to hide, that's for sure. I looked for every excuse not to make it, but in the end I showed up. That is my take home lesson for the day...it isn't about doint it well or doing it poorly...it's about showing up.

So you want to be a warrior? Well, you have to be born first. I guess today was crowning or something. I'm not really sure, but a good 5 or 6 hours meditation was downright painful. The morning was almost 3 hours of 20 minutes sitting, 10 minutes walking, 20 minutes sitting, 10 minutes walking, etc. Then lunch. Then repeat the above. Amazing where the mind goes during those hours. Strange places. Silly places. Scary places. And nowhere to hide. Hmm, I suppose that is the point.

Fearlessness isn't about not having fear. It's about making friends with it. Using it. I think we're harkening back to my "stare the demon down" bit in some sense. In another sense, it is just surviving on the cushion, and getting through it. No way but through.

youtube comes through again...

Welcome to the world another baby warrior. Somehow, I managed to get through the weekend (emphasis on "through", as in no way but through). Today was a bit less demanding than yesterday, although maybe that was because I got a bit broken down by the long Saturday, so I didn't fight as much. Hard to say, as it is what it is.

mindful mopping never stopping
to feel the wet as i squeeze it out
of tendrils gray and ragged then
dump what's left in the street

meta five, as four is not enough
to explain how far i've come but
never alone and still not as the
look remains elusive still with
only one or maybe two before

quintano came back again just
to say hi and thumb his nose
at what i thought i left behind

but the fronds are being tossed
by waves i can't see and the two
are rather lost, or rather left me
behind in a fine dust, crushed
quartzsite and dreams spilling
through the narrow opening

quintano mocks me now
laughing at my inability
to look past thinly

cranes erecting or dredging
to build or clean and leverage
a rusting shell left out for
too many seasons

quintano just shakes
frozen ropes
at his feet

In '79 I was playing Hendrix and Cream tunes in a band, and (barely) graduating from high school. PG was doing this:

iTunes sometimes sends you wishes...

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

Some of my pelican friends are whack, but they do find some cool stuff. In the "cover songs better than the original" thread, Moses offered this gem. Not sure if it is "better", but it *is* amazing.

Ever have a 4+ hour dream? One where you wake up, then fall back to sleep and are back in the dream again, then wake up again, then fall asleep again, then back in the dream again, etc? I guess at some point I wanted to keep going back to find out how it ended, but alas, it was a Chasesque ending (ie no ending). And quite a sad story. Somehow I got involved in a murder conspiracy with some friends from the lost years. I didn't pull the trigger, but for some reason I was implicated and on the run. Moved all my stuff out of my house, except for some things I left in the cabinets by mistake (or on purpose?) like my meds. And then the person rented it out as a meditation retreat for like $750 a day. I ended up in some crappy place in Santee with a window that faced a busy street. And wanted it all to be over and not to be hiding out. But I was stuck. No happy ending...just kinda trailed off. Fade to black.

The flu in June? I hope not, but feeling rather run down. Maybe it is multiple projects with multiple contracts that are in disarray. Or proposals for side projects. Or other bits of flotsam and jetsam coming through my transom. Sometimes the best laid plans...

The Audi goes into the shop in the am to read the codes that got thrown when the check engine light came on over the weekend. I'm on daddy duty as today was the last day of school for the boy and J is out of town. And I have a ton of work to try and get done before he and I leave on vacation on Monday.

How many times can I watch the USGP on tivo? As many as I damn well please...gonna be a long night I think.

A new AFI top 100 list is out. Or at least sort of out to members. No surprises, and not sure how different it is from their last one. Top three are Citizen Kane, The Godfather, and Casablanca. Star Wars came in at 13th, Apocalypse Now 30th, Dr. Strangelove #39, West Side Story #51, MASH #54, Duck Soup #60, Clockwork Oragne #70, Goodfellas #92, Pulp Fiction #94, and Toy Story #99. So there you go. Where is Brazil? I guess maybe it isn't "American"...

The late game tonight under the lights. After last week's game I was looking forward to tonight. Although I'm still breaking in a new glove, I finally started to feel comfortable on the field. Thankfully, tonight continued that progress. Played the whole game at shortstop, and after a few issues (new gloves don't really hold the ball very well), I ended up with a strong defensive game. Quite a few assists, some sick high pop ups, started two double plays (one with a putout as well), and threw out a runner at home on a relay from the outfield. A good night at the plate too, going 3-for-4 with a single, triple and home run. Barely missed hitting the cycle as my out was a line drive that the 1st baseman stabbed at his ankles. Had he not made a good play, it was down the line for an easy double. No biggie, I'll take it all gladly. And plenty of cracking jokes with the ump and other team. I do love this game...

That was the title of the thread. It wasn't expected really, and it hit home. That sinking feeling. The backstory is that about 2 weeks ago a member of one of my online communities posted that his wife had gone in for a colonoscopy and they perforated the colon. That is not a good thing, as the bacteria gets into places it shouldn't usually causing sepsis. In her case she got very ill and was hospitalized with sepsis and respiratory failure.

And following up on the passing of a friend's wife, I get a call tonight telling my that my dad is in the hospital with pneumonia. I called him and he sounded surprisingly well (after a couple of nasty procedures). Must have been the pain meds. When it rains, it pours. Off to SD in the am to visit him. Luckily Kaiser has provided quite good care for him in the past (and for my mom before she passed), so it should all come out ok.

Hug the person next to you. It's important.

why is that light so bright?
trying to show my feelings
no, i don't mind, although
it hurts and I'm losing track
just falling through the cracks

just take me home because
i don't remember why i left
feeling kind of sick
please take me home

what will it be tonight?
keep smiling through
a little bit of insanity rains
down from the heavens
we'll meet again
some sunny day

is it zero for two
and two for naught?
i hope not
maybe later
radio silence

i remember a fire pot
and burning pictures
and letters
but she was 19
and i watched

up in flames
no wonder
i felt the burn
eating away
ashes blowing
scattered

On the way back from the hospital visit, drove by the old house. Odd to see it with someone else living there. First change for the house since it was built in '58...

Pack the car, pick up the boy, and heading north to Pismo Beach for a week of vacation. Of course it started with a 10am conference call about a new project that might turn things on their heads. And as usuall, the call led to the need for a proposal that needs to be cranked out by Wednesday. Price of being popular I suppose. Worse than the alternative. Fun during the day, writing at night. Lather, rinse repeat...

No, not an adaptation of the novel, but real dunes. I've driving by before, and had friends during the lost years who brought their 4x4s and 3-wheelers to Pismo, but today was renting atvs with the boy. After a brief introduction to the function, we were off. I forgot that sand isn't smooth. The boy's thumb got sore (I prefer twist throttles), and we weren't too adventurous, but a good time was had by all...

Submitted without comment...

We rented a dune buggy this morning and turns out that Calvin didn't really like it. We ended up coming back after an hour of putting around and the guy noticed that the toe on the right front wheel was funny. I did too. Turns out the tie rod end and support were both bent. I swear I was driving like a grandma...he asked if we hit anything or jumped and I said, "no, my son was not a happy camper so we were going slow." Which was the truth. He believed me but of course he's got his boss, etc. Bottom line is they said they needed to hold my $300 cc deposit and will figure out if they're going to charge me. So I took a bunch of pics and have to figure out how hard I want to fight it. *sigh*

Update: I'm off the hook. "That was pre-existing damage." No shit...rust is rust...

Quick and rather painless trip back. Then vacuum the car, then 4 loads of laundry, then clean the apartment, then...Peets. Back in black. Or maybe a shade of brown...either way it is fine.

that's all i'm going to say...damn cats